Last Thursday and Friday I was gifted with an opportunity to get reconnected to my business, Sweet Perspectives, and to my dream of being a presenter and motivational speaker. What I find interesting, as I ponder over this concept of reconnecting, is the recurring feeling of resistance in the going back to rekindle what was once “normal.” And what I realized this morning is this: at the root of that resistance to reconnect is vulnerability – feelings of guilt, feelings of shame, feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being judged, feelings of not living up to perceived responsibilities and expectations, and on and on the litany goes.
It has been 4 months since I wrote my last blog and nearly every day since that time I have been telling myself I need to write a blog. I need to focus attention on Sweet Perspectives. I kept reminding myself that I took a huge risk to get this life coaching, motivational speaking, presenting business going and now I am letting it go by the wayside because…because I’m in a new partnership, because I am going back to teaching, because I am busy with my girls, because it was summer, because I’ve nothing interesting to write about, because I am letting people down, because I do not know how to explain that I am…what? What am I?
Vulnerable. Vulnerable to the insidious and quiet “attack” of my inner critic and bully. Vulnerable to the criticisms of the hypocrisy in going back to teaching, to a job I hoped I would not have to return. Vulnerable to the disappointment that I couldn’t support myself without my teaching position. Vulnerable to the shame that I didn’t want to make my writing the place where I made money; that I didn’t like marketing myself because it was “too hard,” too close to feeling like I am “justifying” my capabilities. Vulnerable to the guilt that I am still not done writing my book and that it too has moved to the back burner, again.
And as I ponder this space of vulnerability, I realize that it has been an undercurrent to all aspects of reconnecting that I have experienced these past 4 months. Reconnecting to the idea of entering a partnership has made me vulnerable to past “failures” and fears. Reconnecting to teaching and the classroom has made me vulnerable to old wounds and emotional strains of being responsible for everything and everyone, yet not being valued, in any sincere way, by my employer. Reconnecting to presenting and motivational speaking at a Provincial Conference on “Journaling to Believe” and “Compassion Fatigue” made me vulnerable to fears of not being interesting, informative and inspirational. Reconnecting to writing a blog and feeling like I’ve let my “readership” down, my supporters, and ultimately me for not consistently writing, for letting too much time pass.
But really, at the end of the day, those “vulnerabilities” are simply old fears, old wounds, old excuses and old thought patterns that kept me from experiencing life, from changing opinions and perspectives, from trying old things in new ways.
Fortunately I have worked hard at re-wiring my old thought patterns and beliefs and I didn’t let my inners, critic and bully, stop me from reconnecting. Instead, my newly established inners, cheerleader and activist, filled me full of love, encouragement and support. In actual fact, I am appreciating the lesson and realization that reconnecting to dreams, ideas, past practices, and people surfaces fears, makes us vulnerable and gives us another opportunity to connect with our true inner self and continue to grow and love who we are.
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